The Difference Between Self-Love & Self-Romance: The Foundation & The Celebration
A Love Affair With Myself
I wish I could tell you that self-love always came easily to me.
That I woke up every morning feeling deeply connected to myself, that I moved through the world with unwavering confidence, that I always knew how to tend to my needs without guilt or hesitation.
But that would be a lie.
The truth is—learning how to love myself has been a practice of unlearning.
Unlearning the belief that love must be earned.
Unlearning the instinct to over-give, over-extend, and over-perform just to feel worthy.
Unlearning the idea that my body is something to be managed rather than worshipped.
And lately, this unlearning has taken on a new dimension.
Because divorce, life transitions, and perimenopause have all asked me to love myself differently.
Each of these transitions—ending a marriage, raising my children through it, stepping into a new version of my leadership, navigating the shifts in my body—have required a deeper, more expansive relationship with self-love.
There was a time when self-love was just about survival. Now, it is about devotion.
How Perimenopause & Life Transitions Shifted My Relationship to Self-Love
I didn’t expect perimenopause to arrive when it did. I thought I had more time.
But suddenly, my body was speaking to me in new ways—
Sleep became unpredictable.
My energy fluctuated wildly.
My emotions sharpened, softened, surged.
And in the beginning, I resisted it.
I fought against what was changing, tried to keep up with my old pace, tried to ignore the signals my body was sending.
Until one day, I couldn’t.
Because my body wasn’t just asking me to slow down.
She was demanding a different kind of love.
Not just care.
Not just maintenance.
But adoration.
According to Dr. Emily Nagoski, sex educator and author of Come As You Are, pleasure is a biological necessity, not a luxury. In her research, she explains how engaging in pleasure-based practices—like deep relaxation, sensual touch, and slowing down—activates the parasympathetic nervous system, reducing stress and increasing emotional resilience. (Source).
Perimenopause has been a reclamation of sorts—a reminder that self-love isn’t just about what I need, but about what I deserve.
And this realization didn’t happen in isolation.
I had already been learning how to love myself in new ways.
Divorce taught me that self-love is about trusting myself to rebuild.
Motherhood taught me that self-love is about modeling boundaries.
Grief taught me that self-love is about presence.
Perimenopause is teaching me that self-love is about honoring what my body needs today—not what she used to need.
Each transition, each ending, each evolution has been a teacher.
And one of the greatest lessons has been learning that self-love alone is not enough.
I also needed self-romance.
Self-Love vs. Self-Romance: What I’m Learning in My 40s
Self-love and self-romance are often used interchangeably, but I’ve come to see them as two distinct yet deeply connected practices.
Self-love is the foundation.
Self-romance is the celebration.
Self-love is the structure, the daily devotion, the deep care.
It is the steady ground beneath me, the practice of tending to my needs with patience and presence.
But self-romance?
Self-romance is what makes life delicious.
Self-Love: The Foundation
Self-love is the deep, steady work of choosing myself over and over again.
It is…
Choosing to rest instead of pushing through exhaustion.
Saying no without apologizing.
Letting myself grieve without rushing toward healing.
It is knowing what is best for me even when it’s uncomfortable.
It is holding myself accountable to my own growth.
It is knowing that I am worthy of care—not just from others, but from myself.
Self-love is what keeps me grounded as my body shifts and changes.
Self-love is what allows me to listen when she asks for more tenderness.
Self-love is what allows me to meet myself exactly as I am, instead of who I used to be.
Self-Romance: The Celebration
If self-love is the commitment, self-romance is the devotion that makes it feel alive.
Self-romance is what makes life feel beautiful. It is the way I let pleasure, beauty, and sensuality weave through my days.
It looks like…
Waking up and adorning myself in soft fabrics, letting them kiss my skin before the world touches me.
Anointing my body with oils, moving my hands slowly, whispering to the places that once felt unseen.
Lighting candles in the evening, filling my space with warmth, scent, and ritual.
Cooking for myself with ceremony, lighting candles, plating my food beautifully—because I deserve beauty.
Wearing lipstick on days when I won’t see anyone, just because I love the way it makes me feel.
Dancing in the kitchen, moving just for me, feeling the pleasure of being in my body.
Self-romance is a love story that I write, every single day.
It is the difference between meeting my needs and indulging my desires.
Between caring for myself and cherishing myself.
Between living in my body and adorning my body.
Self-romance is intimacy with myself.
It is seducing myself back into my own life.
It is living as my own greatest love story.
Why This Matters Now More Than Ever
Because perimenopause, divorce, and major life transitions ask us to love ourselves differently.
They ask us to release old versions of who we thought we were.
They ask us to meet ourselves in the unfamiliar.
They ask us to find beauty, pleasure, and intimacy within—rather than seeking it externally.
They remind us that this is not the end of something.
This is the beginning of a new kind of love.
💭 What would shift in your life if you stopped treating self-romance as optional?
💌 I invite you to try this: Write yourself a love letter.
One that is dripping in devotion. One that reminds you that you are worthy of every ounce of pleasure, beauty, and love. One that brings you back home to yourself.
And if you feel called, share one line from your letter in the comments below.
Because love isn’t something we wait for.
It’s something we are.
✨ If you’re ready to deepen self-love & self-romance, Awakening & Rebirth Mentorship is open. DM me “AWAKEN” on Instagram to explore the next level of devotion to yourself.
💬 Tell me—what’s one way you are choosing to romance yourself this week? Drop it in the comments.
